Babying Around

Firstly, the Hyacinths are coming along marvellously, you can practically see them growing and they smell amazing. They're on the kitchen table, which is where I spend most of my time, and they are brilliant. 

They are a bit squinty though. 

That yellow thing in the background, that's Perfect's float because we took him swimming this week. Because I'm the most neurotic person in the world, I was really worried about him getting cold, so we splashed out (hahahaha) and got him a wetsuit. If there is anything nicer in the world than a baby in a baby wetsuit then I don't even want to know about it. He was ADORABLE, as you would expect. And, big news, he's now brilliant at sitting up. What a total, total ledge.

Oh, he is wonderful! We've been taking him to baby things recently. Baby Sensory first, which was dire - you basically sit in a circle with other people who don't want to be there while someone blows bubbles at you. You're supposed to sing along to songs but the one who was running our session didn't want to, so she put on a CD and we all mouthed along to Row, Row, Row Your Boat. My boat was not happy AT ALL. Also, Perfect HATED it and screamed with his all every time I put him on his back. I don't think they were sad to see the back of us. 

Then Husband decided he wanted to take him to a song-session baby-music thing, and I mooched along too. They made us sit in a circle (why is it always a circle? I always wear dresses and I'm constantly worrying that folk can see my breeks) and we had to sing and shake tambourines at the babes. I was fine at that bit, and was half-heartedly getting into a bit of rhythm when they...and I can hardly bear to relive this...turned the music up and we had to dance around in the circle. Oh man, it was EXCRUCIATING - have you ever seen a roomful of adults dancing around a circle of couldn't-care-less babies? Believe me, you don't even want to. Awful. And the lady taking the class was all zany and clapping and all 'let's go faster! Hold hands with the person next to you!' and I was all 'No chance pal!' It was grim. I am not the right person for this baby lark. Husband really got into it though, one of the other mums even congratulated him on his singing. Crawler. 

And that was this week. 

Bumbaleerie Mansions

Evening all.

So I've been promising you a tour of Bumbaleerie Mansions for a while now - sadly, due to the arrival of the Perfect, the Mansions are never tidy enough to get a decent picture of. So instead, here's a wee bit at a time. Here's some things you oughter know before we get started:

1) The Crib was built in 1932.
2) It has a bomb shelter in the garden, that I would've taken a picture of today but it was snowing, and I couldn't find my shoes.
3) The people who owned it before Husband and I rescued it were bonkers. They superglued light fittings to the ceiling, shelves to the wall and floor tiles to the..em, floor. Quite, quite mad.
4) I love it with my ENTIRE FACE.
5) It has three original fireplaces in it.
6) The kitchen, where I spend most of my time, used to be the kitchen, dining room and pantry, until the Bonkertons knocked through - so the kitchen is montagonous. We're spoiled if we ever have to move though because I love the kitchen the most.
7) When we came to view it, I loved it so much that I did a wee dance in the kitchen and Mr Bonkers saw me and immediately added more Scottish bucks to the price. Husband was delighted! (False).

There's more here, if that ol' list wasn't enough.

So! Here's where I am right this very now!

This is our kitchen table, which is splendid and also ginormous. It can fit twelve people around it once it's extended, here's what happened when we bought it:

Me: Husband! That table fits twelve people around it once it's extended!
Husband: It's ginormous.
Me: And SPLENDID! We can recreate Downton!
Husband: Why do you always want to recreate Downton?

In the middle of the table is my most recent purchase - Hyacinths! I planted them today, here's hoping they survive. I seem to have this think called 'Killeverything-itus' where nothing green can live in my house. I've been given so many fecking Orchids and they last about nine seconds before sadly passing on.

FUNNY STORY I'VE JUST REMEMBERED: In Dobbies today, a man standing next to me said to his wife 'Look, they've got orchards!' and she said 'Not orchards, darling, ORCHIDS' and he said 'No, they're definitely called orchards' and she said 'no, they definitely aren't' and he wasn't having ANY OF IT. I'd just pushed my sleeves up my arms ready to get stuck in and RIGHT THIS WRONG, but Husband pulled me back and said I wasn't to get involved. They're probably still at it. Very funny and pointless, which is my favourite kind of argument with Husband.

Here's a close up of the, and I think you'll agree wholeheartedly with this, EXCELLENTLY planted Hyacinths:

Next, my second-newest kitchen purchase:

CHICKEN EGG CUPS! From the 70s, so VINTAGE CHICKEN EGG CUPS! Brilliant, although they caused a slight altercation when I bought them. I said to the lady 'I must have these, they are magnificent and a wise addition to any home, including those modelled VERY CLOSELY on Downton Abbey. How much, please?' and she said '£2.50'. There was a brief pause until I yelled 'WHIT? MARVELLOUS BARGAIN!' and grabbed the lot. Turns out, they were £2.50 each. But, as I said to Husband, shouting in a sales lady's face is practically a signed contract, so you can't just change your mind like a total mind-changer. Anyway, still worth it because they are wonderful, and not 'hideously tacky' or 'a total waste of money' OR 'literally the worst things I have ever seen'.

Lastly, here's a picture of my knittingsewingcrochetjunk stash as it is now that we had to clear out my sewing room for the Perfect:

There's so many of my favourite things on this bookcase - a photo of Perfect, right at the top, when he was seconds old. My Govencroft jugs, my tangled knitting, my sewing maching, my jelly mould of Betty. Lovely, and kept so tidy! Also, some of my least favourite things - the iron, lurking sinisterly in the foreground. Husband's unfinished jumper. Some minging rip-offy wool that I was conned into buying, and is a source of everlasting regret and anguish. I won't point it out, it makes me too angry. And I've just realised that Perfect's blanket isn't even in this picture but if it WAS, if I was tidier and it WAS here, instead of on the couch in the living room, I could gracefully and beautifully link into the next picture, which is progress on the ripple blanket, but since it isn't there, I'll just have to do it in a CLUMPY WAY:

Here's how I'm getting on with the ripples! At this rate, he should have it in time for his own children.

Pip pip!

Rage, RAAAGE

Afternoon lads.

C'mere, is this the most annoying thing in the entire UNIVERSE?

That's from the same ball of wool. How annoying is that? It doesn't even match! It's supposed to be a boy's jumper, but the one on the right is CLEARLY for a lady baby! Oh, raging. Then I started the sleeve, thinking 'Oh, it'll all pull together' but NON!

L'sleeve is the same as the back! The front is an anomaly! Oh,  rage, fellas, rage like you've never seen. Husband came home for his lunch (leaving his manky shoes on my clean kitchen floor, but that's another story) and I waved it under his nose.
'Look!' I sez, 'Look at this! I've been sold a dodgy ball of wool!' Husband peered at it.
'Yes.' He said.
I paused.
'What do you mean, 'Yes'? Can you even see how it's dodgy?'
Husband sighed. 'No' he admitted.
'Well, it is. There must be someone we can phone about this MASSIVE ISSUE. Do you know how many hours I've spent on this? MANY! MANY HOURS! And look at it!'
Husband nodded mildly and took his sarnie into the living room.
'Well, let's hope it doesn't happen with YOUR JUMPER!' I yelled. 'You'll have the back of a gentleman wtith a LADY FRONT!'
 I sense he does not think it's a big a problem as I do.

But now I'm going to have to re-knit the entire front. How annoying is that? It's not even for anyone, I was just knitting for the sakes so I'm not even motivated to do the entire front again. Furious.

Anyway, to cheer myself up, I went and got my picture taken with Daniel Craig.

Oh yes! That's really him! Sort of. It's my Christmas present from my brother (Calpol) and I LOVES it! My hair is really mank in this photo, it's CLEAN! But I couldn't be bothered styling it. I can't remember if I've said this before but having curly hair is really a full time job. There should be some kind of government grant for the afflicted, in my opinion.. Here's a better photo:

Note his fetching scarf that I knitted for him. Oh Daniel. You're lovely, even if you do look A LOT like my Uncle Eric, which makes fancying you a bit awkward.

Now, the sharp-brained amongst you will remember that this is not the only life-sized cardboard cut-out that Calpol has ever bought me. NON! Here's me with Her Maj at my birthday:

Husband is really freaked out by them. He says most people don't have two cardboard cut-outs in their house, most people don't even have ONE! But I say, that's a shame for them. They should get some. They make for hilarious photo oppertunities and they are a talking point when the man comes to fit your kitchen floor three days later than he said he would.

We've done lots of work in Bumbaleerie Mansions recently lads. I think my next post will be a virtual tour of the crib....oooooooooooooooohh!

S'been a long time, fellas

Oh lads. 4th October was my last post, and I wouldn't blame you at all for totally losing interest and jogging on to another blog. But lads! I've got many, many news. Here's a good ol' list to get us started, so we all know where I've been for two whole months:


1) I got my dream job. Yes! For years and YEARS I slogged away at a job that I didn't enjoy with my full soul and FINALLY I've got the one I've always wanted. Still a hairy Librar-y BUT! One with purpose. Good times. So, just so we're clear, my job is amazeballs.

2) Mega decorating of Bumbaleerie mansions, INCLUDING a new kitchen floor what I've detailed a billion times on this very blog. But it is down, my friends, down at last and the crib is looking mega-marvy. BUT, lads, this tale is not without sorrow. Husband and I spent a great deal of time (money) on the floor and they did not turn up THRICE times. Furious was I. SO furious that I sent Husband in to shout at the 'men' and he came out all matey with them. 'NON' je thought to je-self. 'This is non happening' unt it was left to me to have a hairy fit until we'd got what wee'd (tee hee) paid for. But it's down now fellas, so all's well.

3) Em. Two months is quite a lot, isn't it? I don't seem to have filled my time very well at all. If I'm honest, I think the lack o' updating is due to a combination of not having made anything new, due to commencing my shiny new job unt my computer being broke.


But anyhoo lads, now is the season of joy and goodwill (wine), so I hope you had a Merry ole One. I forgot to post my Christmas cards, it's probably too late now. Next year I'm totally going to write a round robin, because they are sehr  hilarious. SO, here's a practice one just pour vous (as you can see, this year I've gone VERY international avec mon language)

Dear Friends,

This year began well with January, which is how every year seems to begin! We had a jolly old time at New Year with our friends, who came to the house baring (tee hee) wine and also Articulate (the Best Game in the World). Sadly, the competitive spirit overcame Husband and they left minus two friends. But hey, there's always next year!!! (Lads, I've noticed that the common trait with round robins is to use a plethora of exclamation marks, or 'the mark of the moron'. I rather like them, actually)

Valentine's Day brought Husband and I much joy. I cannot begin to describe how happy I was to unwrap 'David Hasslehoff Sings America' which my ever-frugal Husband had discovered in a bargain-bin in Asda. He was right, it's the presents that you don't think you'll need that have the biggest impact!!

I remember very little of March. Nothing, in fact. I may well have slept through it. April delivered our SECOND WEDDING ANNIVERSARY, and on it, we though about going out for dinner but had just returned from New York, so were counting pennies to buy milk. But we celebrated in our own little way - I drank heavily and Husband probably hoovered something.

May, June and July - no idea. In August I turned 27, which was GHASTLY but I'm holding it together (wine).

September, I was able to hand my notice in at my horrendous job, which filled me with a sense of freedom and good spirit (gin). And I felt TERRIBLY sad to be leaving (false) but I managed to hold myself together. Until the last day, when I fell over in my haste to leave (true story - I skinned my knees and everything).

October, I started my new place of work and everything was amazeballs again. It is very, very nice to be in a job you enjoy. Husband decided to make October the month that he started several new hobbies, including but not limited to, 'Leaving Socks in the Living Room', 'Not Putting Stuff in the Dishwasher' and 'Generally Being Annoying'. But, we are still very much in love!!!!!!!!

November was mine and Husband's TEN YEAR ANNIVERSARY OF BEING IN LOVE.  I explained to Husband that the phrase 'ten year anniversary' just SCREAMS 'diamond, pear-shaped solitaire brackets fist-sized) but he was having NONE of it. Rude.

And Christmas was marv-u-lous, mainly because of the eating. We hope the New Year finds you well, and will sign off with that most traditional of Scottish phrases:

'Lang may yer lum reek!"*

Eilidhbelle and also Husband

xxx


*May you always have coal for your fire, so your lum (chimney) is always smoking.

The One Where I Eat So Much I Get A Food Hangover

Hello Chinas!

Last night I went to Chop Chop in Edinburgh's Haymarket - if you haven't been, stop what you're doing immediately and go. It is the BAWS. I was going to take some pictures but then I didn't, because I really didn't want to be the weirdo who takes pictures in a restaurant. So, you'll just have to use your imagination! It's traditional Chinease food, so none of yer deep fried chicken junk that we are so familiar with. No! It's all hand-prepared noodles and homemade dumplings and crispy shredded potato and fluffy rice AND I ate so much that I had to lean against a pole at the train station to try and pull myself together. Total dumpling overdose, fellas, leading to what can only be described as a 'food hangover' upon waking this morning. I'm not sorry though, I would do it again right now.

I love food.

And because of that. I have been GORGING on the new Nigella series. I'm only just at the stage where I can watch Nigella and not yell I LOVE HER I LOVE HER I LOVE HER every time she appears on screen. I love her because she is SAUCY and I think we'd be really good friends. HOW CAN I MAKE THIS HAPPEN? I love the way she's all 'Ooooooh, just reaching up hear for this NAUGHTY SAFFRON!" - sometime I do this for Husband, until he grows weary and asks me to stop. Also, it's not the same when I lick my fingers, rake around in the cupboard, use saucy innuendo like 'oh, this pan is FILTHY *wink*' and then serve up toast. It's not the same at all.


In making news, Chinas, last week I decided to start on my 40's style dress that I talked about in this one. Total nightmare fellas, and I know exactly why. It's a combintation of 1) not knowing how to do it 2) not being patient enough to learn 3) not reading things properly AND 4) wine. So I (sort of) had the bodice finished and was cracking in to the sleeves when I realised I had sewn the sides inside out and the sleeve on the wrong side. So I gave up on that. Also, it doesn't fit me - it's too big around the bust (tee hee), arms, butt and shoulders, and too tight around the waist. Story of my LIFE chaps! And now I not only have to learn how to make it, but also how to adjust it. I might give up on it as an idea.

And to finish, here's a video of the unfriendly cat doing 'Paw and Other Paw'. I think we can agree that the quality is INCREDIBLE. Sorry that it's sideways, I'm not sure why that is the case or what I can do to fix it.  S'laters!

The One With Some Making

Evenin' fellas.

So, you know how sometimes I'm all 'I will FINISH all the things before starting MOAR of the things!' and other times I'm all 'Start moar! Start moar things! Finish none of the things!' Well, just now I'm in the Starty phase, not good at all.

This is me cutting out the pattern for my Collette Macaron dress. I have all the fabric and notions for this, I'm all set. Have I started it? I have not. Why? I dunno. Oh, wait! I DO know! It's because I haven't made a dress yet, and I heard that this was a hard one. So, I released my grasp on the bull's horns. PS. I hate cutting out patterns. I wish I could employ a pattern cutter-outer called Derek or something. Please leave me a comment along the lines of 'You can do it! Just make it! What's the WORST that could happen?!' and then I'll be all 'YES I CAN DO IT NOW!'. Thanks.

Anyway, after completely abandoning THAT I moved on with THIS:

This is a rubbish picture of the pattern I talked about in this fascinatingly exciting post  - how can I fail when I have so many books on dressmaking? How hard could it be?! Answer: quite hard, because I haven't read any of the books. I should like to take a moment's pause here, while you contemplate the fact that I am actually, a qualified Librarian. A qualified Librarian who can't be bothered to read. But I need to be SHOWN, being SHOWN is the key.  I don't have TIME to learn a new skill (I don't know if you can hear the whine in my voice, but let me tell you - it's there), I'm too BUSY with watching Sherlock all the time and looking at FLOOR TILES.

Also, I couldn't upload it on my last post but here's a picture of the display what I made at wurk. I am ludicrously pleased with it, but it did take me A MILLION YEARS:

Aaaaaaaaaarrrggghhhhhhh! Too scary! Try to be brave though. This took me so long to make, I actually lost interest and covered the whole thing in black paper, and wrote 'COMING SOON' in scary, blood-dripping letters until I could be bothered again. I told my boss it was 'to build suspense', and I think he believed me. Tee hee!

Also fellas, Husband and I braved the shops to price more flooring (you might want to take a break at this point to let your heart settle down after all the manic excitement that reading my blog must bring into your life. Brace yourselves lads, it's about to get EXTREME.) Anyway, we had a massive fight (in Ikea, obviously, because no-one has ever left Ikea without having a fight with SOMEBODY) because Husband was all 'Make a decision about the lights in the kitchen!' and I was all 'THESE LIGHTS!' and Husband was all 'I don't like those ones' in a really huffy voice, and I nearly stabbed him with a Helmsblug Potato Peeler. So, we left Ikea sharpish and found ourselves in Next. And here's what happened:

Me: *wanderin' around, looking at stuff, minding my own business* Husband, I've got an itchy bit on my leg that I think might be A HORRIBLE DISEASE......
Woman Next to Me Who is Not Husband: Em......
*massive embarrassed silence*
*woman looks at my leg*
*I miserably look at my leg too*
*woman looks faintly disgusted*
*I nod sadly and am FURIOUS with Husband for wandering away and getting me into this awkward situation*
*woman shudders and walks off*
*I slope away to find Husband, who is standing, awestruck, in the lighting section*
Me: HUSBAND YOU WEREN'T EVEN THE LADY WHO WAS STANDING NEXT TO ME! SHE WAS SOMEBODY DIFFERENT! YOU MADE ME SPEAK TO A STRANGER! THEY MAKE VIDEOS WARNING CHILDREN ABOUT THAT!
Husband: *in a breathless whisper* ...look....
Me: WHA.......oh..........OH!

 OH YES IT'S A LAMP SHAPED LIKE A TELEPHONE BOX AND IT'S MADE OUR HOME COMPLETE! 

The One With No Pictures

I can't upload pictures on the computer I'm using just now, so instead I'll be doing 'complex descriptions' which is probably what they used before pictures were invented anyway and everyone got on ok THEN (note the perfectly logical arguement I've engaged there).

Oh, I have done so many lovely things this week! Last night I went to see Anna Karenina at the flicks and it was...and I don't want to exaggerate here.....THE BEST THING IN THE WHOLE ENTIRE WOLRD EVER EVER EVER! I'm not a huge fan of Keira Knightly's work but she was just BORN to play Anna, she's the perfect mix of dutiful wife and RAUNCHY SEXPOT and I now love her with my entire face. Go and see it right now, stop what you're doing, leave work, leave home, go and watch it. Then come back and tell me how much you liked it.

Like I said, no pictures, so here's some instructions so you can conjure a strong mental image of Keira Knightly as Anna Karenina:

*IMAGINE THE MOST PERFECT THING IN THE ENTIRE WORLD*

Oh, this is much easier than I thought it was going to be.

Right, NEXT!

I ordered the Sherlock box-set for me and Husband to watch of an evening. I know I'm so late to this, but is Sherlock not just THE BEST THING YOU'VE EVER SEEN IN YOUR ENTIRE LIFE? It's so good, I don't understand why they don't make it illegal not to watch it. Bennedict Cumberbatch IS Sherlock Holmes, he literally IS Sherlock. Martin Freeman IS Dr. Watson. 221B Baker Street is EXACTLY how I want Bumbaleerie Mansions to look. Here's a picture of it:

*Awesome things like a stuffed owl and mismatched chairs and dodgy wallpaper and union jack cushions and glass decanters and books everywhere*

Also, I have ordered a new dress pattern, which is quite funny (funny if you're NOT Husband) because I still haven't ever finished a dress despite having several thousand million patterns. But I couldn't resist this one, I've been looking for a 40s style dress for AGES and I couldn't find one that I liked enough (clothes are getting really dear aren't they? Even in like, ASDA and Tesco and that) and then I 'stumbled' (ebay) upon this magnificent pattern:

*Butterick 40s Style Dress Pattern, which I'm going to make in a Royal Blue colour and maybe white piping, if I can work out how to do that*

Isn't it lovely?

Also, at work I built a giant, open Vampire's mouth for a Halloween Display, try to be brave here:

*picture of scary, open jaws of a Vampire, eeeeeeeeekk!*

How's your week been?

The One Where I Learn About Myself

Further to my 'Turning Twenty-Seven and Hating It' list of resolutions here, I thought I'd add a wee bit on 'What I've Learned About Myself Recently'. Sorry for being so self-absorbed. Maybe soon I'll do a post on a worthy cause and you'll all be like 'oh, what a caring person she is! She's taken time away from fretting about her frankly APPALLING eyebrows to care about this caring cause that needs caring about. She is so caring. Caring is the word I would use to describe her.' and I'll be all humble and all 'Thanks lads, but really, we should all care more about (enter cause here)' and we'll all agree and shake on it.

But until then, here's my new list:

1. MY HAIR - I honestly think that people with curly hair should get some kind of government-sponsored help. Curly hair costs an absolute fortune to keep in reasonable condition, and I'm not even talking about the obscene cost of getting a decent hairdresser to cut it. No, I'm talking about the general, day-to-day stylin' costs. A few years ago, Sunsilk did this serum-y time styling gel that cost about a Scottish Buck and lasted for a million years and then they stopped making it. But I was young and naive, and I thought 'Oh, I'll try some other junk'. That was about five years ago and I still haven't got over it. Nothing is as good, NOTHING. But I was just about keeping it in check with Pantene's Perfect Curl shampoop (tee hee) and conditioner. And guess what fellas? They've stopped making that too. I've been resorted to buying it on ebay for a hugely inflated sum. Anyway, here's what I've learned about my hair this week: ANYTHING OTHER THAN PERFECT CURL MAKES MY HAIR GO RUBBISH. I've tried eighty-two different shampeeps and conditioniis (which I THINK is the plural for both of those words) and nothing is as good.

2. PATIENCE - Lads, I've always thought of myself as a really impatient person and this week I have realised that I am not just really impatient, I am VERY REALLY IMPATIENT.  Especially with computers. I feel like I spend my whole life waiting for pages to load, and I'm aging horribly because of it.

3. TIDYING - I hate tidying because I like stuff, as I've admitted before. But today I realised I not only hate tidying, I am also rubbish at it. Here's a BEFORE picture of the bookcase in the kitchen:

and here's a picture of it after I spent AN HOUR AND A HALF tidying it:

I know you're thinking 'it does look a bit tidier though' and to that I reply: this took me AN HOUR AND A HALF. How? Dunno.

4. SONGS - So, I was driving along it my automobile (Blue Polo, don't have a name for it because I hate nothing more than people saying 'yous' and also people who name their cars), happy as Larry G. Laughtinton, singing along to the radio - Dirrty by Christina Aguilera - and I realised I knew all the words to it, which made me happy. Then it finished, and Yesterday by the Beatles kicked in and I was all 'Yey, I know this one too!' singing away, then IT finished and Chirpy Chirpy Cheep Cheep rocked out. And I was singing along to that, when I suddenly became aware of a creeping sense of dread. I knew all the words to that too. And I thought, I know all the words to A LOT of songs, even fast ones like La Bamba and rubbish ones like Mr. Boombastic and surely that's not normal. And then I tried to remember my home telephone number, and I COULDN'T! And then I thought, what if I get kidnapped?! How will I contact Husband?! I don't even know my own phone number! But then I realised, if I do get kidnapped, I'll just bellow Mr. Boombastic to them and they'll release me pretty sharpish. But still, what else has been pushed out of my brain to make way for the lyrical stylin' of Ricky Martin et al?!

These are not favourable qualities old beans, not favourable at all. Is it too late to change my entire self?

Saturday

Evening, fellas!

I have commented before on the work we're doing in Bumbaleerie Mansions - mainly painting SLASH decorating and it is the opposite of fun. Anyway, we're needing a kitchen floor. Bumbaleerie Kitchens is quite big so we're needing quite a bit of floor. And we've been putting it off for ages, because Husband hates nothing more, NOTHING, you understand, MORE than salesmen. He hates that no matter how many times you say 'we're just looking, fanks' they still insist on telling you all this junk - like, how many colours the tiles come in, how they can be fitted, how they'll look upside down, but NEVER THE PRICE.

So, we need carpet for two rooms, walnut floor for the hall (YAAAASS!) and slate tiles for the kitchen. Easy.

First shop: Salesman sidles over, catches us unawares. Husband was looking at prices and sizes, I was seeing how far my fingers sunk into the fibers. 'HOW CAN I HELP YOUS?!' bellowed the saleschap. (DIVERSION: I hate nothing more, NOTHING MORE, than people saying 'yous' (as in the plural of 'you', I'm assuming). It's NOT A REAL WORD)) So Husband was already twitching, and even though my nerves were jangling, I managed to say 'WE'RE JUST LOOKING FANKS' (WJLF). And Husband and I looked back at the carpet.
'Righto!' said the cheery one. 'Well, just so you know, we've got a special offer on blah blah words words selling carpet blah blah more talking...' and so on for FOUR MILLION YEARS. Eventually, we muttered something about maybe wanting laminate or learning to fly so it wouldn't matter what we were standing on, and glumly walked hand-in-hand to the door (me and Husband, not me and Husband and Salesfella)

'I don't even want to do this any more' whined Husband once we were back in the safety of the car. I rubbed his hand soothingly.

Second shop: Started well! We found loads of offcuts that were big enough for our rooms, nice nice. And we were congratulating each other on not having to speak to anyone when we came across a salesboy hiding between the rolls of carpet. Hiding. Between the rolls. Of carpet. Husband said later, it was like a praying mantis waits for prey.

'Hellooooooo! Can I help yous?'
'WJLF'
'OK-doke, what is it yous are looking for today?'
Small silence. 'Carpets. That's why we're in a carpet shop'
'And do yous know what colour it is yous are looking for?'
...it was at this point that I held my hands over my ears and started shrieking. My nerves cannot cope with repeated uses of 'yous'. I'm like Mrs Bennett with my nerves (wee Pride and Prej ref there).

EXIT STAGE LEFT.

Third shop: A saleslady! I was so pleased to see her, I started to weep over her polyester skirt. But! My relief was short lived. She was one of THEM. But, a bit more mental and scary. She curled her lip at me, did a quick up-and-down of my outfit, grimaced at Husband and barked 'How may I help yous today?' Husband looked at me mournfully. So, I took the bull by the horns and said 'Do you have a toilet I can use?' The salescow recoiled (I don't know why,  I wasn't going to pee on her. Maybe I looked like I was though), and said 'Our toilets are for customers ONLY. Are yous interested in flooring?' 'NOPE!' I bellowed joyfully, 'WE'LL JUST BE OFF THEN!' And we were off.

But that means that we've still no carpets/wood/tiles.

So, to make today not a total wash out, I made some foccacia or maybe focaccia or even foccaccia. Here's some pics:

Me kneading.

Me sick of kneading, the dough's WELL sticky

Me developing the 'Bumbaleerie Method' of kneading. Much more nice.

In the oven. Exciting, isn't it?

And the finished product, complete with garlic oil, chili oil and the ol' balsamic:

Go and buy Paul Hollywood's book, it's so easy and delicious and the money will help him continue to be a Silver PHOX!

The Unlucky PJs

Hello. I have a grave topic to share with you today, Chinas. The Curse of the Unlucky PJs. Here they are: *WARNING! DON'T LOOK AT THEM IF YOU ARE WORRIED ABOUT BAD LUCK*

I know what you're thinking. You're thinking 'those don't look so bad!'. They are, my friends. THEY ARE. Here's a list of bad things that have happened whilst they have been adorning my person:

1. I wore them when I stayed over at my friend's house. My friend then moved to Singapore.

2. I was wearing them whilst skipping down the stairs in Bumbaleerie Mansions and I tripped over the stupid cat and broke my neck. Nearly.

3. Every time I wear them I spill wine on them. And let me tell you, no matter NO MATTER how hard you suck, you CANNOT get all the wine back out of them.

4. When I bought them, Husband and I got into a HUGE fight on the way home from the shops over how much I'd spent. Coincidence?

5. I was wearing them when I realised the tadpoles had been eaten.

There's more, but the above have probably shocked you too much for me to continue so I won't. But I trust you are suitably convinced that these PJs are unlucky.

But I'm trying to break their unluckiness. I'm away from the Bumbaleerie crib at the mo so I decided to bring them with me. I phoned Husband.

Me: Husband it's me.
Husband: Hello, light of my life! What are you...
Me: Let's forgo the Oxbridge pleasantries. I'm phoning with important information regarding the unlucky PJs. Do you think I should pack them and try to break the unluckiness? Or play it safe and wear some luckier peejoojes?
Husband: Well, I don't believe in Unlucky PJs so....
Me: That's ridiculous reasoning. I don't believe in Evil Mexican Vampire Goats, but we know THEY exist.
Husband: *silenced by this completely valid point, no matter what he says later*
Me: Yes. So should I take them? Or be safe?
Husband: You decide. Listen, I really do have to go back to work now.
Me: *huffy now* O-KAY-UH! I was just CHECKING-UH

So I've brought them. But I'm maybe cheating a bit, cos I've got another pair of pajayjays that I might wear if I decide that unluckiness is not something you can break. But I'm trying to be brave, so I might wear them. But then again, I might not.

IN OTHER NEWS: I've started making a new dress, YAAAS. I went to the Canary Islands and now my skin is peeling off. I lost four and a half pounds on holiday, and I don't know where it went (four and a half pounds in weight, not in Scottish Yen) and Husband lost three. How? Dunno. I have taught the unfriendly cat how to say please (FACT). I can now run almost my whole running route (just under four miles) without stopping. I found a lovely nail varnish topcoat that costs less than a pound (Scottish Deutsche Mark, not weight) and it makes nail varnish last for ONE HUNDRED YEARS. AND the Bumbaleerie Sweetpeas are BLOOMING!

A Giant Bumbleerie Bee

As I said in my last post, Husband and I have been decorating up a storm. Decorating the house the way we want it is lovely, but decorating itself suh-hucks because there's stuff everywhere and we keep losing things. Like, for instance, my favourite tweezers. Now! I have regular fights with my eyebrows, if left untreated they  meet in the middle then migrate towards my mustache. It's a constant battle of wills which I can only fight if I have the correct tools. And now the only thing stopping me looking like a giant eyebrow on legs has been lost in the swirling vortex of decorating black hole-ness. Total nightmare.

Also, there's a funny feeling of, well the house is total chaos so we may as well stop exercising and eating nice things, and instead just sit around playing 'How Many Chips is Too Many Chips?'

(Here are the rules to HMCITMC: Buy chips. Eat as many as you can without stopping. Stop when you have to say 'Ugh, I've eaten too many chips...' The winner is the person who has eaten the most chips. Good luck!)

But we're getting there. Today I got all the stuff back into the kitchen and made a lovely dinner:

Anyway, when I was making this FEAST a monser-sized bumblebee flew in the window. I say flew but actually it was so big, I think it might have driven into the kitchen in some kind of car. It was at least twice as big as the stupid cat, it had tattoos and was lifting weights as I went over to it (false).

So, since I had been ABANDONED by Husband, and because I don't want to be scared of flying things with minging legs that can sting, I got a glass and a sheet of paper and did that thing that people do. And it worked but the buzz was so powerful it vibrated up my arm and totally freaked me out. This whole story is a bit pointless because I didn't get a picture of the bee, so you'll just have to take my word for it. When you have to defend your house from gigantic insects, you don't tend to stop and think 'Ooooh, a Kodak moment!' No, you ride with the beast.

But since I picked it up I keep thinking that I can hear it, and I keep going 'Husband! Is that bee in my hair?' and Husband wearily looks and says 'No.' 

Sigh.

I'm aware that this is a spectacularly boring blog post, but in all honesty, this is the most exciting thing that has happened this week. The decorating has stopped the making, the working has stopped the decorating, the working is rolling very VERY slowly to the end of term where hopefully things should pick up again.

Oh no, I've just remembered ! I did make something! Here y'go:

I finished my apron! Again, it's a bit dodge BUT it's finished. Although it makes me talk funny - every time I think about it I think 'Ooh, I maka da apran' - why would that be? I don't even think people anywhere speak like that. I think I might have slipped into some kind of dimension of mentalness. Maybe it's the paint fumes.

Right chaps, I'm off to paint my nails for work the morra (old Scottish phrase meaning : tomorrow. Add it to you collection, if you like!). Only four days left until summer holidays, Kah-CHING!

S'laters!

Decorating Bumbaleerie Mansions

Hello all!

Once again Chaps, absolutely NONE of the making has been done due to extreme work-related busyness and the fact that Bumbaleerie Mansions is under siege.

Yes. That's a fact*.

Husband has been decorating all the things! Here's a taste of what he's been uptae (UPTAE: an old Scottish word meaning 'up to' or 'doing'. You're welcome.)

Flamingos!! Eh? In a hallway? That's probably in the top ten coolest things you've ever seen, so brace yourselves for THIS:

So we still have to do the floor (which is going to be Walnut wood, regardless of how much Husband complains) and gloss the skirting boards but I am over the moon with it. It's my favourite room in the house, which is annoying because there's no TV so you can only sit in it for so long.

Anyway, I hate decorating. It's totally rubbish, Bumbaleerie Mansions is a wreck, there's stuff everywhere and you have to be really careful when you sit down in case you smear paint on the couch. Plus, the stupid cat can't handle it at all, he just slinks around looking really worried and whines to be let outside, where he whines to get back in again. Very stupid and annoying.

The other rubbish thing about decorating is that the chat between Husband and I is not even worth listening to. He's all 'oh, we have to go back to B&Q for some DIY SOS megatron 3,000 paint blasting undersplash' and I'm all 'I HATE THIS B&Q, IT IS THE LAND OF THE UNDEAD' - B&Q is full of couples arguing and people storming around going 'well, if YOU like the sodding GREY MIST then GET the SODDING GREY MIST. But don't complain to ME when YOUR MOTHER comes round and says we should have got GREY FOG'. The hilarious thing about B&Q though is that the paint has really gentle names, and when people are shouting at each other it's totally surreal: 'I DIDN'T say that the Pink Kiss was hideous, I SAID that I didn't like Soft Lavender because it's too similar to the Cuddling Cyan that YOU wanted for the Kitchen, EVEN THOUGH I TOLD YOU that SNUGGLING SILVER would match the worktops better!'

No, wait, the worst ones are the new couples who skip around hand-in-hand going 'I think that the Smoochy Sun-Kissed Sand is the best colour for our love-nest, don't you think?' 'Oh yes! When I saw that colour, I immediately thought of that time I kissed you under the dew of the morning mist on that day in...' *girlfriend interrupts and they both say at the same time* '...PARIS!!!' and gaze at each other in rapturous delight. And Husband goes 'Aaw, they're so in love just like us!' and I go 'CAN I GET THIS COOL THING?!' and hold up a blow torch or ... I dunno....a spade with a nice handle.

No, NO, WAIT! The VERY worst thing is buying everything, taking it home and leaving it in the shed for two months then having to do everything really quickly to get it over with. And it always causes arguments between me and Husband, from the trivial:

HUSBAND: Don't put Abba on, I hate Abba.
ME: WRONG! Everyone in the world likes Abba...*Dancing Queen, blah blah blah la la tambourine OH YEAH!*
HUSBAND: SWITCH OFF ABBA!
ME: *wounded*

to the pointless:

ME: Flamingos are lovely.
HUSBAND: No, they're not.
ME: Yes they are!
HUSBAND: No.
ME: YES!
HUSBAND: I hate Flamingos.
ME: NO!
etc

to the pleasingly banal:

ME: ...so then I said 'well why not try it with gruyere and she was all 'good idea' but then she tried it and THEN was all 'Oh, I tried the gruyere but it didn't work...'
HUSBAND: Please stop telling me this story.
ME: *shocked into furious silence* WHY are you ALWAYS so RUDE?!


But in the end, once it's all finished, Husband gives me a quick cuddle in the kitchen and says 'our house is nice.' And I agree with him, and we're friends.



*facts may not be true, or in any way accurate.

About Me

I've had a really busy week this week and have done none of the making, so I have nothing to say about anything. Recently I was having a conversation with a friendly work-mate and she asked me 'what do you even write about on your blog?' and I took a deep breath, opened my mouth and...my mind went blank. Then my subconscious kicked in and to fill the now-awkward silence I suddenly yelled 'STUFF!!!!' right into her face. She looked a little startled, as was I.

But, all respect to her, she carried on: 'So do you have personal details on there?' and again, my mind left me and I bellowed 'NOPE!!' It was at that point that she shuffled off, probably to find someone normal to talk to.

So I thought I'd tell you more about myself. Be a bit more personal, if you like. You probably won't like it, but try to be brave. Strap yourselves in chaps, it's going to be a bumpy ride.

Name: Baroness Eilidhbelle Sittingonher-Bumbaleerie IV

Age: Mental or physical? Mental: thirteen. Physical: around eighty-five. But in birth years, twenty-six gaaaah!

Appearance: Ginormous face. Mad minging-brown curly hair. More eyebrows than the average person. Slow in gait. A tad cross-eyed. Here's a photo:

NOTE: Husband looks really grumpy in this photo because we'd just come out of Steptoe's Yard and he was still mulling over parting with his hard-earned Scottish Drachma just to keep me, HIS WIFE, happy. Rude. Also, I look blind but I am not.

Profession: Librarian. Yep, I'm a fully qualified hairy library-y. And I work in a school. There is nothing else I can say to make this more exciting. No, wait, I've thought of something: Catwoman was a Librarian. So, in conclusion, I am DEFINITELY Catwoman (FACT).

Pets: Two cats, a stupid one and an unfriendly one. Here's a photo of the unfriendly one being forced to sit on my knee:

He looks like he's being tortured even though I brushed his fur for ages and lured him on with treats. He only likes Husband, and only then it's because he knows Husband doesn't like him. Awkward and annoying. Although he does look exactly like a snow leopard, and he walks like one, which is cool. Also, he's not scared of foxes. But he is scared of pumpkins. Cats are rubbish.

Family: Len, Roy, Sister and Brother. Gran, Grandad, Aunt, Aunt, Aunt, Aunt, Aunt, Aunt, Uncle, Cousin x25.

I can't think of anything else that you might like to know so I'm going to end this post with an anecdote about my life.

Bumbaleerie Mansions is situated on a lovely quiet street that just so happens to be a short cut to the local school. Recently I was doing some gardening (drinking in the garden) when some hooded youths walked by and flicked an empty Haribo wrapper into my hedge. I work in a school, so I know how to speak to the young.

'Yoo hoo! Homie!' I called 'You've WELL dropped your empty sweets bag into my crib. I'm totes 'down' with you dudes 'chilling' whilst 'roamin' past my gaff, but pleaz put your rubbish into de binz, word?' They looked at me in total amazement, probably not used to post-teens such as myself having such a confident grip on street vernacular. One of the youths began to approach me, so I held out my hand in case he wanted to 'fist-bump' to secure our alliance. He did not.

'I'm terribly sorry, Miss, I didn't realise I'd dropped it. I'll put it in the bin immediately. Lovely garden!' he smiled at me kindly and I beamed back. We're proper mates now.

I told Husband about this later and he said mildly 'That's nice dear.' but he's WELL 'jel' that he doesn't have someone watching his back in the hood.

I've been eBuying

Bumbaleerie Mansions was built in 1932 and I love it with my whole soul. As soon as we stepped over the threshold, I felt that the house had been waiting for us. Probably to paint over the lurid yellow the previous owners had in the living room, but that's neither here nor there. It still brings a tear to my eye, the memory of finally shaking hands with Steve 'Wide Boy' Estateagent, making small cuts on our index fingers and becoming blood brothers with the bank, signing our names in tears on the contract and skipping merrily to OUR (original 1930s) front door.

It's hard to say when the obsession with buying 1930s stuff happened. LIES! It started the minute I saw the house for sale on RightMove! Hahahaha! So now I'm on eBay roughly every four minutes, bidding for what I call 'Nice Stuff' and Husband calls 'What is this doing in my house?'

Here are some things I have bought from eBay for Bumbaleerie Mansions:

A sideboard for a FIVER! 

(Husband says I should tell the truth about this magnificent bargain. And I AM telling the truth, but he wants me to add that we had to pay £70 to get it shipped from Wolverhampton or somesuch so it TECHNICALLY didn't only cost a fiver. But actually, it did.)



Four Govencroft Jugs for a varying number of bucks. Don't want to be too accurate because I don't think I ever told Husband how much they were, and I really am too fatigued to get into THAT now.

Handy, isn't it? It's a bookend, a knitting needle holder AND a jug all in one! It's the Optimus Prime of the jug world.

A picture of a dog, from I think 1935 which turned out to be not only hideous but also very scary and sinister. It is now in the loft.

A postcard from Blackpool, dated 1932 from one lady to her friend. I love this very, very much due to my obsession with handwriting and also with 'things what are old'. It is the perfect combination for me.

Anyway, the point of this is: if you, like I do, simply type '1930' into eBay and gleefully scroll through twenty bah-millzon pages of unadulterated BLISS then sometimes you find yourself bidding on what others might call 'have you lost your senses?'. BEHOLD:

 Or, to put it another way:

A hundred million old hankies! Some with roses:

A lot with lace:

A couple of mad ones:

and a very special one INDEED:

a KING GEORGE VI CORONATION ONE!! FROM 1937! Can you even IMAGINE my excitement? I was BESIDE myself. I immediately summoned Husband, who refused to acknowledge the magnificence of the moment, apart from nodding and muttering 'Oh nice', which I don't even think he meant.

Listen, I have to confess, I was a bit worried about coming across an eighty-year old bogey but it didn't happen. They were all as clean as an eighty-year old handkerchief would be.

Now! Some making news! Due to not being able to start myfriendsnephews quilt, I decided to crack on to making a hexagonal one. Ooooooh, I hear you say, a hexagonal quilt? You must have nerves of steel! You are the bravest person I have ever even HEARD of! Yes, that's true, I am.

Well. I'm also pretty lazy. Making a proper hexagonal quilt takes ages because you have to cut individual paper templates, then pin them to the fabric, then tack in the seams, then overstitch them BY HAND, over and over and over again. And I obviously COULD do it if I wanted to, OBVIOUSLY it's not that I COULDN'T do it, which I COULD but maybe I think life's too short. So I am machine stitching mine. And I am cutting the fabric in piles. And I am not top stitching anything. Here's how it's going so far:

 The sharp-eyed will have noticed that there is not a picture of the hexagons sewn together. That is because the sewn together bit possibly does not look as good as the rose-tinted vision of perfection that my inner eye conjured. But it might if Husband irons it, which he is refusing to do.  I tried to explain that probably no-one had ever thought of doing this before (not true - there are millions of tutorials online, but Husband doesn't know that), and PROBABLY even just ATTEMPTING such a project made me some kind of VISIONARY in the making world, and PROBABLY HRH Michael Parkinson HIMSELF would want to come out of retirement just to interview me, but he won't have it. And it's not going to iron itself, so it is resting quietly in the sewing room until my next bout of creative genius.

Have given up already

...on the granny square blanket. I did two squares but they look rubbish, and nothing like in the book. Also, they are different sizes. So instead I am going to try knitting something with two strands of wool. It'll probably be a tea cosy, since I'm in the habit of knitting them at the mo. But aren't they brilliant?! You feel like you've actually achieved something and in a very short space of time.

I have achieved a lot this week. I have:
1. Watched Steinbeck's 'Of Mice and Men' at the Edinburgh Lyceeum, which was eight out of ten
2. Arranged a visit for a very famous poet
3. Hmm, actually I thought this list was going to be longer. Turns out I haven't done very much at all this week. Oct well.

Anyway, very exciting news in the Bumbaleerie Mansion! I went for a walk at the weekend and guess what I found? Frogspawn! So yes, I'm going to have tadpoles! And then I will have frogs! It's the gift that keeps on giving. I'm so pleased, we used to get them all the time when I was wee and I can't wait to watch them...um...polinate? Frog-afy? Frogafy will do. The little cat is very nosy so stuck his nose right into their tub, got a beak full of water and sneezed for a million years. Now he just sits next to them and glares at them suspiciously. He is very stupid, but also quite nice. Right! Plans for this week!

1. Finish the secret quilt
2. Start the second secret quilt
3. Buy some zips to experiment with (sewing, obviously, not learning how to use a zip)
4. eat breakfast every day - today is Tuesday and I had breakfast both today and yesterday. So that's a good start.
5. Take my library books back - ALL of them
6. Get better at making coasters, I really think this is going to work for me. Yesterday I sat at my sewing machine (HUSQVARNA, oh yeah!) to get some inspiration for a quicky project but the muse was just not with me. Instead, I just arranged fabric into neat little piles then messed them up again. I don't like tidy.

Six things is pretty realistic, hey?