And LO! A Child Was Born

Good afternoon to you, old beans, I hope this blog finds you well. I am well, and much thinner than I was last time we spoke, because.....

...the perfect Perfect is here! As I type, he is half an hour away from being seven weeks old. And what a seven weeks! You wouldn't think that someone so very little would have such a massive personality but he DOES! Here are some of his favourite things:

1. The wallpaper in our bedroom, which makes him laugh very much
2. A rainmaker that Sister bought him
3. Eating (takes it from me) - he even does sucking motions in the fifteen seconds of sleep he takes a day.
4. Being up on a shoulder
5. Lying over my crossed legs
6. Emitting air from various bodily locations (takes it from Husband)
7. Husband singing Colourblind by Darius
8. Having a bath. 

Here are some of the things he hates with the fire of a thousand suns:

1. Darius. We youtubed Colourblind so he could see the proper version, and as soon as he saw Darius he went MENTAL. He thinks Darius is very derivative.
2. Sleeping. He thinks it's for wimps.
3. Wasting time by doing anything that isn't eating.

He is very little but he already has the rule of Bumbaleerie Mansions. And Husband has changed beyond recognition, he's just a huge pile of mush now. The Perfect gets whatever he wants, whenever he wants, and why shouldn't he?

 He is also EXTREMELY contrary, I don't know where he gets it from. I can make him laugh by making a specific noise. Hmmm, I'm not sure how well this will translate on the internetz but it's a kind of BBBBBBVVVVVVVVVZZZZZZZZZ noise. Anyway, HE find it hilarious - unless I'm trying to prove to Husband that I can make him laugh. Then he looks away, yawns and shuts his eyes. Contrary.

Me and him. Note my very hairy arm.

So that's what I've been up to! Looking after the perfect and eating! And, doing a little bit of knitting. There's something about Autumn that brings out the knitting fiend in me, I loves it. I've already finished a jumper for the Perfect:

Alright FINE, it's not ACTUALLY finished. I have somehow forgotten how to sew things together, so I need to be re-taught. But that combines two of my least favourite things: hand-sewing, and having to learn something. Gah! But I'll have to suck it up. Although I bet Len would put it together for me if I asked her. I'm now working on a new Sirdar Crofter pattern:

Spectacular photograph. I really want to do a Debbie Bliss Cashmerino jumper for the Perfect but I'm not MADE of money! Also, Husband is checking the joint account with alarming regularity these days. Chuh! Lack of trust in a marriage is a very sad thing.

I've also been watching A LOT of the Netflix - Downton Abbey in particular. And taking MOAR PICTURES of the Perfect!

I knitted that hoody. I had to stretch it to get it over his head, took the picture, then he went MENTAL and I practically had to cut it off him. But! He's gorgeous in it, and we've got a lovely picture of him.

He's the bee's knees.

Trying DESPERATELY to be normal

Hello all!

As you know, Bumbaleerie Mansions is the Buck Pal of Central Scotland and I love it with my entire face, but it is a tad high-maintenance. We have people here fixing things all the time. ALL THE TIME. Today, we are having more work done. I should say now that the people who are here today are the nicest people we've ever had working in the crib, they really are lovely. This post is not a reflection on them AT ALL. But it is challenging for me in many ways to have strangers in the house, because I have to try and pretend to be normal. Now! Usually, this is not a problem. I have managed to convince many, many tens of people over the years that I am a normal person. Sadly, at nine months preggers, this skill has deserted me. Here are some things I do in my daily (maternity-leave) life that I imagine most people do not do:

1. I sit upside down, with my legs up the wall, due to having the most ginormous ankles. I don't think this actually does anything, but it makes me feel proactive. I feel like I cannot do this with people in the house.

2. I chain-drink tea. I put one out and spark up the kettle again. It's not normal, except in my extended family, where it is totally normal, and you are a wimp if you can't handle forty cups a day.

3. Due to the perfect one, I have the most horrific heartburn (aside: our baby has TONNES of hair, we saw it on the scan. He/she's already got a mohawk!) and I'm just TOO BUSY to carefully measure the Gaviscon every time so.....and I'm not proud of this....I just swig it out the bottle. I'm worried that if they see me doing this, they'll phone....I dunno....the police or someone and shop me for being on the hard stuff. 

4. I knit all the time. No, that's a lie. I knit in SHORT BURSTS and then leave it lying behind me. I have a criminally short attention span, so there's wool everywhere, like in the bathroom and in the garden. Husband finds this very endearing (false).

Not to mention:

5. I have lost the ability to make conversation with strangers. You know how, when you're at work, you're introduced to someone who you have NOTHING in common with, but you have to crack on because that's your job? So you have to be all 'so, do you live close by? Oh, Outer Mongolia? That's handy for work!' etc? I have lost this now. I try so hard to make small talk, so I'll maybe think of a funny story about the stupid cat which in my head is very funny and endearing. But it ends up coming out as 'Look! My cat is stupid and other one is unfriendly! Hahahahahahaa!' then wandering off. It's dreadful.

6. My memory, never brilliant, has now left me completely. We were buying some baby junk the other day, and for some reason we had to give our address (why have shops started doing this now?)  - I had not a clue what number we lived at. I gave her the postcode, she told me the street, I nodded, and she said 'Which number of Bumbaleerie Avenue?' and I just stared at her. 'Em. What are the options?' I asked. 'Um, there are quite a few' she said, 'what end do you live at? Is it a high number?' 'I dunno.' I said. 'Wait and I'll get my husband' and Husband had to come along and save me. Even typing this now, I had to pause to think about it. The number is on the front door, if I get really stuck. But she clearly thought I was some kind of burgling terrorist address pretender! Hideous. And it's the same when I'm actually IN my house. Husband has moved my car a few doors up to let the people into the drive, and I went to the shop earlier and wandered right past. Right past my own crib! And they keep asking things like 'where's the bathroom?' and I just point vaguely upstairs and wish them well. It's torture.

ANYWAY! Some making news! I finished the cardi lo!

 What an amazing picture that is. Anyway, apart from the buttons, it is done! So you know what that means! MOAR KNITTING!

That was yesterday, this is today:

I think you'll agree that if I continue at this speed, the jumper will be finished in no time! Probably in time for the baby to start university! Also, when I was taking this picture, one of the men walked in and it probably looked like I was photographing my couch. Sigh. That's not a normal thing to do, is it? Gaaaah, this is ghastly.


Husband is aware of my new-found awkwardness around strangers, and I think it worries him a bit because when he left this morning, he said 'Just.......just.....just.......TRY TO LEAVE THEM ALONE, will you? Remember, they're working, they don't want to be interrupted every five minutes.' and I winked at him and said 'You betcha guvna! I'll just axe them if they'z wantin' a cuppa!' then I did a wee sailor's jig through to the kitchen but then I FORGOT to put my normal accent back on and ended up asking them if they wanted 'a brewsky' and how long they'd 'been in this crazy game we call plumbing'. By the time I got back to the living room, Husband was hiding his face in a cushion, and kind of...groaning. 'Please just leave them alone, please just let them get on with it' he pleaded. 'Please. We need to get it done today'. I was still mortified by the frat-boy persona that I'd manage to adopt in the hallway between the living room and the kitchen so I just nodded silently and switched the laptop on. And that's how I got to this point in my life.

The one with all the baby updates

Hello chaps!

I'm so sorry I've been off the blogging network for so long, but I have many, many reasons for to why. These reasons are tenfold, but here's two of them:

1. My computer and laptop BOTH gave up the ghost
2. So did my camera

And I don't know if you've ever tried blogging with no camera or computer, but let me tell you Chinas, it is not easy. I even tried doing it on the iPad but the blogger app suh-hucks and I couldn't get it to go right. But yesterday me and husband finally bit the bullet and shot (hahaha!) out to buy a new laptop and lo! Less than twenty-four hours later and I'm back in the bosom of the blogsphere. And what a lovely bosom it is too.

So, a quick update on the ol' pregnancy! First, to set the scene, here's a picture of me a week ago:

Yes, I am a whole week more pregnant now, taking me up to 36 weeks tomorrow. Sorry that this is such a rubbish picture, Husband has this stupid rule where he'll only take one picture and if it's rubbish then too bad. And husband is good at a great, great number of things but taking pictures is not one of them. Anyway, am I not GINORMOUS? Really starting to feel like a beached whale.But I am not complaining chaps, not at all, because I have had the easiest pregnancy in the entire universe. No joke, it's been a complete doddle. Probably because I'm carrying the most perfect babe in the entire universe.


So husband and I have mainly been decorating and buying things for the future King (or Queen) of the Universe. You would not believe how much stuff something so very little needs, it is mental. Now, Bumbaleerie Mansions is in a horrendous state at the moment due to all the re-jigging of all the rooms, so forgive these hideous pictures. First, the Moses Basket!

That is in our newly decorated bedroom, and I love it with my whole soul. I wish I could fit in it, it would be lovely to be rocked to sleep. Next, the high chair!

I know you're thinking, why would you even bother taking a picture as rubbish as that? I know. But I can't bear to take the plastic wrapping off in case it gets dirty so I've just peeled it back a bit so you can see THE COOLEST HIGH CHAIR IN THE WORLD DOT COM. It's chrome and leather, oh yes, this baby is STYLISH. Next, a present from Auntie Sister! (My sister, obviously, not the baby's)

It's a little....em...something.....babygrow?...can't remember, with LITTLE TORTOISES ON IT! And it's TITCHY, I don't even think anything will be small enough to fit in here! Quick aside, Sister has been knitting up a storm for the baby, honestly you wouldn't believe how much knitting Sister and Len have done for Baby Bumbaleerie, it's like a wool shop in their crib. Anyhoo, Sister started knitting about five minutes ago and she is the most perfect knitter in the entire world. Her tension is PERFECT, she chooses excellent colours and she's got a knack for picking the coolest, comfiest patterns in the world. She's so annoying. And LEN, the fabulous LEN, has knitted a shawl! And it's so gorgeous, I'll get a picture up here of it soon, but it's massive and perfect, and so soft, and the baby is so lucky to get it. It's a real heirloom.

And I've been knitting too! It's very difficult when you don't know what flavour of baby you're having so I've been trying to knit a mixture of stuff. I'm so close to being finished this one:

But not close enough that it's finished in time for this post being published.


Hmm, so what else? Well, I turned twenty-eight last week (gaaaaahhh! Twenty-eight!) which was hideous, but better than turning twenty-seven for some reason. And I got a lovely present from Len and Roy and Sister:

But it's no ordinary handbag, oh no! It's a changing bag! Isn't it cool? And you'd never guess that it was a changing bag, never in a million years. Which is exactly what I wanted, because changing bags are SPECTACULARLY naff.

And also, Len made me a birthday cake. Now, I don't know if you're familiar with the story of the woman who tried to make a hedgehog cake for her daughter's birthday and it was so scary that the children at the party started to cry - if not, find it here. Anyway, I was plunged into hilarity for several days when I first saw it and sent it to everyone I know. So Len, for she is truly Len the Magnificent, made me this:

Happy, happy days!

Some news

Hello chaps. It's been so long, and I'm so sad about this, I'm sure you've all left to read another blog because you know you'll not be getting anything from me. But please come back, because I've got a good excuse for being away for a hundred years. See if you can guess:

and...

or maybe:

or even...

Oh yes Pals, the Bumbaleerie baby is due in September. And we are over the moon. Really, really, OVER THE MOON. I absolutely can't WAIT to see him/her (but probably a her) - and that's why I've been away for so long. Because the last few months has been 'Husband, d'you think I might be.....?' 'Husband, it says I'm definitely....' 'Husband, I can't really climb stairs because I'm.....' 'Husband, I think the baby needs that giraffe, I've got a really strong feeling' etc.

And it's BRILLIANT being pregnant! Sure, you can't do things like drink wine or eat brie or bend over too well. And maternity clothes you can wear to work are scarce on the ground. AND people look at you like 'hmmm, fat or pregnant?' but it's ACE - she (for the sake of argument) kicks ALL THE TIME and she's very, very strong and clever. She's probably going to be the cleverest baby in the whole world.

And I have celebrated in my usual fashion. I was going to knit a jumper, or a blanket, but instead I thought, no, KNIT ALL THE THINGS! So I have been:

And I've developed this almost SPOOKY connection to the baby. I know for a FACT that she loves jellycat toys. So I've bought a hundred million of them. Here's the latest:

Husband has put his foot down with a firm hand and said 'no more Jellycats' - well, that's the POLITE version of what he said. He also said that the baby would need things like a cot and a highchair, so Jellycat toys were not a necessity. Well, I'll be the judge of THAT. 

So that's our gossip! We've been for the 20 week scan now, and of course she's perfect - even the scanning lady said the baby had 'gorgeous feet' - and she's an EXPERT! The scans are less than fun because you have to hold in your peep for a million years to push the baby forward and it's total agony. AND Husband keeps making me laugh ON PURPOSE so I'll maybe peep myself. But it's totally worth it because you get to see the baby on scan, and I just KNOW she's going to be brilliant. And now we're on the countdown to September, bring it on!

Hmm, so in other news - I know I promised you a virtual tour around Bumbaleerie Mansions but it's in a bit of upheaval at the moment because we're moving rooms for the baby. So I think I'll wait until we've got the baby's room sorted before I do that. Also I've got about three pairs of breeks (Scottish word for knickers) lying about just now and like I said, I can't bend over to pick them up.Well, I probably COULD but you know...I can't be bothered. And I don't really want pictures of my breeks on the internet. Howzat for a catch-22?

In making news, I was working on a quilt for somebody's wedding present, which I finished and then forgot to take a picture of. But here it is NEARLY done:

All fabric from the wonderful Eternal Maker, go and have a wander. They post really fast too, so say someone had asked you to make a quilt for May in January, and gave you the money for it and everything, and then you forgot, and suddenly it was the beginning of May and it had to be finished for the 10th May, WELL! You wouldn't have to worry at all, because they would get it to you sharpish. 

I'm going to finish now with a story called 'How I Guessed I Was Preggers'.

So, I'd made Jamie Oliver's spring veg lasagne for dinner on the Monday night and decided to re-heat it for dinner on the Tuesday. So I did. But I accidentally burned it to the bottom of the pan and when I took a spoonful out, the bottom was all black and blistered and I COMPLETELY lost control of myself. I was crying and wailing, and yelling for Husband, who almost broke his neck running down the stairs to see what was happening. 'LOOK!' I sobbed, 'LOOK! It's all mank and it smells horrible and I HATE it! You have to take it outside right now, get rid of it!' By this point, my flesh was crawling and I was starting to boak. So Husband gallantly carried the pan outside to the bin, cleaned up the kitchen and got rid of the smell, obviously thinking that I had finally gone mental. And the whole time he was doing that, I sat in the corner, rocking and doing 'gentle moaning' and shaking. AND THEN, spent the rest of the night doing that thing when your spine shivers. At about half ten, I thought, 'that was a weird reaction' - and bought a pregnancy test. 

Toodle pip!

Rage, RAAAGE

Afternoon lads.

C'mere, is this the most annoying thing in the entire UNIVERSE?

That's from the same ball of wool. How annoying is that? It doesn't even match! It's supposed to be a boy's jumper, but the one on the right is CLEARLY for a lady baby! Oh, raging. Then I started the sleeve, thinking 'Oh, it'll all pull together' but NON!

L'sleeve is the same as the back! The front is an anomaly! Oh,  rage, fellas, rage like you've never seen. Husband came home for his lunch (leaving his manky shoes on my clean kitchen floor, but that's another story) and I waved it under his nose.
'Look!' I sez, 'Look at this! I've been sold a dodgy ball of wool!' Husband peered at it.
'Yes.' He said.
I paused.
'What do you mean, 'Yes'? Can you even see how it's dodgy?'
Husband sighed. 'No' he admitted.
'Well, it is. There must be someone we can phone about this MASSIVE ISSUE. Do you know how many hours I've spent on this? MANY! MANY HOURS! And look at it!'
Husband nodded mildly and took his sarnie into the living room.
'Well, let's hope it doesn't happen with YOUR JUMPER!' I yelled. 'You'll have the back of a gentleman wtith a LADY FRONT!'
 I sense he does not think it's a big a problem as I do.

But now I'm going to have to re-knit the entire front. How annoying is that? It's not even for anyone, I was just knitting for the sakes so I'm not even motivated to do the entire front again. Furious.

Anyway, to cheer myself up, I went and got my picture taken with Daniel Craig.

Oh yes! That's really him! Sort of. It's my Christmas present from my brother (Calpol) and I LOVES it! My hair is really mank in this photo, it's CLEAN! But I couldn't be bothered styling it. I can't remember if I've said this before but having curly hair is really a full time job. There should be some kind of government grant for the afflicted, in my opinion.. Here's a better photo:

Note his fetching scarf that I knitted for him. Oh Daniel. You're lovely, even if you do look A LOT like my Uncle Eric, which makes fancying you a bit awkward.

Now, the sharp-brained amongst you will remember that this is not the only life-sized cardboard cut-out that Calpol has ever bought me. NON! Here's me with Her Maj at my birthday:

Husband is really freaked out by them. He says most people don't have two cardboard cut-outs in their house, most people don't even have ONE! But I say, that's a shame for them. They should get some. They make for hilarious photo oppertunities and they are a talking point when the man comes to fit your kitchen floor three days later than he said he would.

We've done lots of work in Bumbaleerie Mansions recently lads. I think my next post will be a virtual tour of the crib....oooooooooooooooohh!